I've not blogged for a few weeks, actually about a month. I attended Life Coaching Training a couple of weeks ago and one of the biggest messages I got from it, which I'd like to share, with you, was this.
" It's not our negative thoughts that are the problem, it's our relationship with them "
This one statement had a profound shift in my thinking. We spend all our time trying to think positively and getting annoyed when we can't stop the negative thoughts. But in fact we can't control what we think, no matter how hard we try, but if we can shift our relationship with these thoughts then it can help us to move past these negative thoughts faster
So it got me thinking about fears, how we are constantly being told to "conquer our fears", "fear is the enemy and must be defeated" (just like we always believed with our negative thoughts). But to me this is such a contradiction. We are always told to not be anti- this or anti-that as it gives power to whatever it is we are fighting against. If we take both cases here, fear and negative thought, then surely fighting against them, in theory, would give them more power? In fact often it does, we end up beating ourselves up for our fears or negative thoughts which is the same as giving them power?
So, what if we can change our relationship with them?
Can we actually learn to be friends with fear? Instead of fighting the enemy within (which of course destroys you as well as the enemy) can we learn to accept and respect fear?
The thing is we don't want to lose the benefits of fear? We can become stupid and reckless without any fear. If a bus is heading towards you, would you really want to be fearless and not jump out the way???
To me the ideal state is to have a healthy balance of fear and love. So we do need fear in our lives but we need to learn to love and respect that fear, not try to beat it to a pulp every time it shows up. Often there is a valid lesson in the fear which we wont learn if we don't listen to it.
Ideally we want the limiting non-life threatening fears to become smaller and less significant. We don't want them to go completely as we can use them to help guide us. I know we go on about following your heart and not being led by fear, but i'm talking about a healthy conversation here with you, your heart and your fear.
Your gut instinct - a blend of mind based thought (fear) and your heart based thought (love).
Fear is never in the present, only in the past or future. so the best way I know of to make friends with fear (and have been following recently) is surrendering to the universe and spending time being present. I have no idea what is going to happen next. I have no fixed plan. I have general guidelines, but no set fixed goals other than to be happy.
I have a todo list, which is a list of things I could do each day, but no goals. There is no pressure for me to do them. I surrender to whatever I feel like doing each day, in the moment, to whatever opportunities come my way. Through living life this way I feel at peace, free with no pressure to perform. I make my decisions each moment based on what feels best. I use my gut instinct, that blend of love and fear.
This has massively reduced a huge fear of mine.
What will people think?
This fear is valid to an extent, so I don't want it to go completely.
I don't want to be rude to people or hurt peoples feelings. And sometimes its better to say nothing at all. I also don't want to not pick my kids up from school even though I'm enjoying a cup of coffee with my friend. These are judgement calls we all have to make, but without that balance of fear and love how can we make that call?
We still need fear in our lives so please stop fighting with it and be friends.
Big love to you all xx